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1. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Joy in life can be gained by the smallest things; a touch, a smell, a word. Anything can cause a good memeory to surface, and good memories bring joy. I guess that is why my world was shattered when I found out the one good memory I had was a lie. Since then, I have been trying to find my place in this dark world.

   Nothing here is what it seems. You have to watch your back or else you may end up as one of them. As it was, I was barely dodging Them. Like right now, I have three on my tail.

   Trying to stay in areas where there were lots of people was becoming harder and harder. I was fast approaching the end of the town. To try and double back, I dodged down an alleyway. Bad move. Two of them must have broken off last block back for two of them were ahead of me. Glancing back I saw the original three. Damn.

   Letting lose a shrill whistle I launched towards the slouching two figures in front of me and hoped for the best. Kicking low in the area of the knee of the left figure I launched over the one on the right and reached up as high as I could, praying Serric would catch me.

   As if right on cue, he caught my hand in his and soared high. His wings straining to carry us both. Looking back I saw what I feared would happen. They were taking off too.

   "Fly faster they are coming!"

   "I could if you weren't so damn heavy!"

   "So shoot me my bones aren't bird like yet. I'm working on it. You know I just found my wings not that long ago. I still haven't mastered the art of calling them at will ya know."

   There goes that happy memory of thinking I was full-human. That was an advantage of being part-human at least. I can hide my wings and pass as a full-human. However, at times such as these when they would be useful in a get-away, I have issues calling them. I am told that as the centuries pass, calling and hiding them will become easier.

   Concentrating on trying to unfurl my wings was hard. Being jerked up and down as Serric flew was one distraction, the other was knowing how close our demonic pursuers, the Derli, were getting.

   The Derli, how to describe them? With horns sweeping back out of their heads, from just above their ears, and their arms actually forming bat-like wings with their legs. They need to wear long cloaks to even attempt to pass as a human. With their horns, that did not often produce much luck for them. That, and the reddish tint to their skin when seen in daylight would be a dead give away.

   The avian people that I had just found myself apart of, the Ariol, however are more elegant and pleasant to look at. Their wings sprout from their backs, just over the shoulder blade. The wings and slightly pointed ears were the only things that makes them different from normal humans.

   Ok, so maybe my happy memory was not completely destroyed. It just kind of sucked that the man I thought of as my father really was not my father. That and realizing that when the man I thought of as my father dies, I would still have centuries of life left to me. I felt betrayed. Ah well, that is neither here nor there at the moment. More important things on my mind and all.

   Right. Calling my wings and making Serric's life easier. As I said, focusing was hard. I had to find my calm, inner self. The self that carries my wings. I have to admit that, that self is beautiful. She had my long black hair and emerald eyes, but none of my usual clumsiness. I called her forward to help me.

   Admittedly, it hurt. The feeling of wings sprouting through my skin. But then it at the same time felt good. Like stretching a muscle that has been in one position for too long.

   "Gain altitude!" I yelled as I felt the wings start to come forth. I was going to become extremely hard for Serric to hold in about two seconds and I needed the altitude to gain air under my wings before I came crashing to the ground.

   My yell was unnecessary for Serric had already felt the change in my body shape and started flying higher. Two seconds later he let go of me and I started a free fall to earth. Let me tell you it is an exhilarating feeling. However, I caught sight of the Derli chasing us and quickly opened my wings to stop my descent and glide for a while.

   That is another difference between the Derli and the Ariol. The Ariol are meant more for distance flying unlike the Derli who can fly for only a short distance.

   After about twelve miles, the Derli started falling behind. Their wing strokes becoming more and more labored, while Serric and I (well Serric at least) still flew strong. Truth be told, my back was really starting to hurt from the motion of muscles never before used. I just wanted to fall out of the sky. But if I did that, I might fall into the Derli's hands. Bad news for all there.

   See, anyone who falls into the Derli's hands loose their soul and become the Master's pawn. Being new to the Ariol and all, I was still relativley vulnerable. That scared my Ariol friends, for to them I was their "savior". Huh, well on that respect, they have another thing coming, never have I lead anyone. I spent most of my time trying to go unnoticed. Still, becoming a Derli was still a daunting thought. One I hoped would never come to pass.

   "Whew, that was close," I said over the howl of the wind we were flying through. "How did they know I was there?"

   "I do not know. How did your mission go otherwise?"

   "Pretty well, the town seemed to be fairly well prepared to fight against the Master should he return. Though..." I trailed off, unsure of how to say what needed to be said next.

   "Though what?" Serric asked slowly, hearing the uncertainty in my voice.

   "I don't think that the humans will be fully on the Ariol's side."

   "Well that is not unusual. There are a few humans who join the other side when the Master decides to rear his ugly head."

   "No, I am actually wondering if they were the ones that alerted the Derli to my presence. However, how would the humans know what I was. There is only one human who know, and I would swear on my life that he would not tell a soul." Actually there were two, my father and my childhood friend Mela. I could not keep the finding of my wings from her.

   I hoped they wouldn't tell anyone. How awful it would be to find out that my father or my friend, now that I found my wings, did not love me anymore. The thought that either one would turn from me hurt too much. But then... that is neither here or now. She said she would not hold that against me.

   A sudden spasm through my back brought my mind to the here and now. Looking down and back I could not see the Derli anymore.

   "Could we land now?" I asked a little plaintively.

   Posted 3 years ago #
2. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Originally posted by Gumshoe:

   Interesting concept, certainly. But then, you have a lot of those.

   Nice introduction to the world. It gives us just enough background for an opening chapter, hints at the broader plot, but leaves the reader wondering about more. I think you pull off the first person narrative thing well enough, though it tends to get a little rambly sounding here and there. Not that my attempt is any better.

   Looking forward to reading more... provided you actually intend on finishing this one.

   Posted 3 years ago #
3. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Originally posted by Lady of the Winds:
   Lol, and you are any better with your numerous ideas..... how?

   I realize that it gets a little rambly. I am honestly trying to work on that. At least it is not quiet a rambly as that first story I was working on when we met, yes? or is it worse?

   Posted 3 years ago #
4. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Originally by Gumshoe:

   Because... um... because... look, a flying weasal!
   *runz*

   That aside, I think it is a bit more rambly than your first story. What contributes to making it sound more rambling is where you choose to put some things. The main character's thoughts will wander during an action sequence, hopping from one topic to the next and back again. It sort of takes the urgency away from the scene. Let's see... there's this part, here, for example:

   Quote
   ""So shoot me my bones aren't bird like yet. I'm working on it. You know I just found my wings not that long ago. I still haven't mastered the art of calling them at will ya know."

   There goes that happy memory of thinking I was full-human. That was an advantage of being part-human at least. I can hide my wings and pass as a full-human. However, at times such as these when they would be useful in a get-away, I have issues calling them. I am told that as the centuries pass, calling and hiding them will become easier.

   Concentrating on trying to unfurl my wings was hard. Being jerked up and down as Serric flew was one distraction, the other was knowing how close our demonic pursuers, the Derli, were getting.

   The Derli, how to describe them? With horns sweeping back out of their heads, from just above their ears, and their arms actually forming bat-like wings with their legs. They need to wear long cloaks to even attempt to pass as a human. With their horns, that did not often produce much luck for them. That, and the reddish tint to their skin when seen in daylight would be a dead give away.

   The avian people that I had just found myself apart of, the Ariol, however are more elegant and pleasant to look at. Their wings sprout from their backs, just over the shoulder blade. The wings and slightly pointed ears were the only things that makes them different from normal humans.

   Ok, so maybe my happy memory was not completely destroyed. It just kind of sucked that the man I thought of as my father really was not my father. That and realizing that when the man I thought of as my father dies, I would still have centuries of life left to me. I felt betrayed. Ah well, that is neither here nor there at the moment. More important things on my mind and all."

   ______________

   In this block of the story your character is making a harrowing escape. The story goes from dialogue to talking about happy memories and the advantages of being half human (presumably the character's own thoughts), and then seems like it's going back to the action as the main character focuses on the difficulties of calling her wings. But then the story sidles off to a musing description of the demonic persuers and switches again to a brief description of the character's own people, before going back to happy memories and ruminations on the character's father and then finally back to the action.

   Some of that might be better worked into the story in other ways, I think. The description of the Ariol might be accomplished by a description of Serric as he flies our heroine out of danger, thus tying the description more closely to the action. Similarly, a description of the Derli might be accomplished through the main character looking back over her shoulder and relating the Derli's features as she sees them in pursuit.

   The ruminations on happy memories and on the character's father could probably have been saved for later, after the pursuers had fallen behind. It just doesn't seem like something a person would be thinking about while fleeing for their life.

   *shrugs*

   It's all a matter of your preferred style, I guess. I'm just looking at it and seeing it how I would have written it, which by no means is the only way (or even the right way). It's also a matter of what sort of mood you're trying to set for the reader. In the case of a harrowing escape, you'd probably want the reader to feel the urgency and danger of the situation, and focus more on things that would lend to that atmosphere.

   At any rate, how about this: I'll match you post for post with this story. You put up something new for this story, I'll put something new up on my story. Sound like a plan?

   Additional thought: We could also try writing one of those cooperative stories as a writing exercise. No planning, just one person posts and takes the story where they think it should go next, then the next person does the same, etc... it could be fun to see where things go, plotwise.

   Posted 3 years ago #
5. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Originally posted by Lady of the Winds:

   Ok, I will take up your challenge on post for post *crosses fingers hoping to be able to keep up*

   I see what you mean on how the ramblyness detracts, so I have rewritten in hopes of better approval. Let me know what you think. Oh, and at the end there, consider that a new post. Seeing as it was not there in the first version .

   As for the cooperative thread, I have an idea. Originally it started out as something for a thread Audrey was trying to start on Exodus, but it got tweaked into its own little thing. I think it would be good for something like that. Do you want to try it?

   Anywho... with out further ado.... the re-written version + new post...

   Joy in life can be gained by the smallest things; a touch, a smell, a word. Anything can cause a good memory to surface, and good memories bring joy. I guess that is why my world was shattered when I found out the one good memory I had was a lie. Since then, I have been trying to find my place in this dark world.

   Nothing here is what it seems. You have to watch your back or else you may end up as one of them. As it was, I was barely dodging Them. Like right now, I have three on my tail.

   Trying to stay in areas where there were lots of people was becoming harder and harder. I was fast approaching the end of the town. To try and double back, I dodged down an alleyway. Bad move. Two of them must have broken off last block back for two of them were ahead of me. Glancing back I saw the original three. Damn.

   Letting lose a shrill whistle I launched towards the slouching two figures in front of me and hoped for the best. Kicking low in the area of the knee of the left figure I launched over the one on the right and reached up as high as I could, praying Serric would catch me.

   As if right on cue, he caught my hand in his and soared high. His wings straining to carry us both. Looking back I saw what I feared would happen. They were taking off too.

   "Fly faster they are coming!"

   "I could if you weren't so damn heavy!"

   "So shoot me my bones aren't bird like yet. I'm working on it. You know I just found my wings not that long ago. I still haven't mastered the art of calling them at will ya know."

   The avian people to whom Serric, and I by half, belonged are an elegant race that is pleasant to look upon. The Ariols wings sprout from their backs, just over the shoulder blades. Their wings and slightly pointed ears are the only differences in appearance from normal humans. There goes that happy memory of thinking I was full-human.

   Concentrating on trying to unfurl my wings was hard. I am told that as the centuries pass, calling and hiding them will become easier. But right now, being jerked up and down as Serric flew was a distraction, the other was knowing how close our demonic pursuers, the Derli, were getting.

   Right. Calling my wings and making Serric's life easier. As I said, focusing was hard. I had to find my calm, inner self. The self that carries my wings. I have to admit that, that self is beautiful. She had my long black hair and emerald eyes, none of my usual clumsiness, and slightly pointed ears where mine were actually rounded. I called her forward to help me. She reached out a hand towards me and said, “Fly”.

   Admittedly, it hurt. The feeling of wings sprouting through my skin. But then it at the same time felt good. Like stretching a muscle that has been in one position for too long.

   "Gain altitude!" I yelled as I felt the wings start to come forth. I was going to become extremely hard for Serric to hold in about two seconds and I needed the altitude to gain air under my wings before I came crashing to the ground.

   My yell was unnecessary for Serric had already felt the change in my body shape and started flying higher. Two seconds later he let go of me and I started a free fall to earth. Let me tell you it is an exhilarating feeling. However, I caught sight of the Derli chasing us and quickly opened my wings to stop my descent and glide for a while.

   The Derli, how to describe them? With horns sweeping back out of their heads, from just above their ears, and their arms actually forming bat-like wings with their legs.

   After about twelve miles, the Derli started falling behind. Their wing strokes becoming more and more labored, while Serric and I (well Serric at least) still flew strong. Truth be told, my back was really starting to hurt from the motion of muscles never before used. I just wanted to fall out of the sky. But if I did that, I might fall into the Derli's hands. Bad news for all there.

   See, anyone who falls into the Derli's hands loose their soul and become the Master's pawn. Being new to the Ariol and all, I was still relatively vulnerable. That scared my Ariol friends, for to them I was their "savior". Huh, well on that respect, they have another thing coming, seeing as I have never lead anyone. I spent most of my time trying to go unnoticed. Still, becoming a Derli was a daunting thought. One I hoped would never come to pass.

   "Whew, that was close," I said over the howl of the wind we were flying through. "How did they know I was there?"

   "I do not know. How did your mission go otherwise?"

   "Pretty well, the town seemed to be fairly well prepared to fight against the Master should he return. Though..." I trailed off, unsure of how to say what needed to be said next.

   "Though what?" Serric asked slowly, hearing the uncertainty in my voice.

   "I don't think that the humans will be fully on the Ariol's side this time through."

   "Well that is not unusual. There are a few humans who join the other side when the Master decides to rear his ugly head."

   "No, I am actually wondering if they were the ones that alerted the Derli to my presence. However, how would the humans know what I was. There is only one human who know, and I would swear on my life that he would not tell a soul." Actually there were two, my father and my childhood friend Mela. I could not keep the finding of my wings from her.

   I hoped they wouldn't tell anyone. How awful it would be to find out that my father or my friend, now that I found my wings, did not love me anymore. The thought that either one would turn from me hurt too much. But then... that is neither here or now. She said she would not hold that against me.

   A sudden spasm through my back brought my mind to the here and now. Looking down and back I could not see the Derli anymore.

   "Could we land now?" I asked a little plaintively.

   As Serric and I were resting, I feigned sleep. I was really thinking about my father raising me after mother died. There goes that happy memory of thinking I was full-human. Well, maybe my happy memory was not completely destroyed. It just kind of sucked that the man I thought of as my father really was not my father. That and realizing that when the man I thought of as my father dies, I would still have centuries of life left to me. I felt betrayed.

   I frequently asked the question of how could my mother decide to take on and Ariol lover. Don’t get me wrong they are an absolute dream to look at. However, she knew that my father would do anything for her. Yes, even though he is not the man who is biologically my father, he raised me, making himself my father. The other guy never even showed his face to let me know who he was, even when mom died.

   At her funeral, there were several Ariols, it would have been hard to hide the fact that there weren’t. I can’t help but wonder if he was one of them and just did not have the guts to come forward and say, “Ash, I am your father.”

   I suppose that is an advantage of being part-human at least. I can hide my wings and pass as a full-human whenever I chose. It would be to hard to do for a full blooded Ariol to do seeing as it would cramp their wings. The Derli, on the other hand, need to wear long cloaks to even attempt to pass as a human. With their horns, that did not often produce much luck for them. That, and the reddish tint to their skin when seen in daylight would be a dead give away.

   Posted 3 years ago #
6. 

   Audrey
   Head Muse

   Originally posted by Janus:

   You've definitely got some really good stuff going .

   My only real critique, and I'm not sure if you did this on purpose as a stylistic choice, is that you some times use very informal ways of phrasing things, or you seem to phrase them a little oddly. For just instance:

   Quote
   "Admittedly, it hurt. The feeling of wings sprouting through my skin. But then it at the same time felt good. Like stretching a muscle that has been in one position for too long."

   You might consider changing that to: But at the same time, it felt good. Or something similar. That was the main one that stuck out at me as being awkwardly worded.

   But a lot of her thoughts just seem a little too informal, since they're serving as the main narrative.

   Again, those are just my thoughts on it--I'm not sure if that's a stylistic thing on your part.

   Either way, great writing, and I look forward to seeing more .

   Posted 3 years ago #

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